Examining your life part 1

When I was most depressed, I had just moved into a small forest town with a population of less that 1500, after living most of my life in Los Angeles, I was afraid of driving, I wasn't working, and my days were spent on my phone. I couldn't cook and was too depressed to have any hobbies. My mother had begun working, my brother was at college, and my dad was at home but just as depressed as I was. I had a bad ankle, which made it so that I couldn't walk very far, and my creativity was blocked.

When you look at your life, you need to imagine what you would most like. What are your wildest dreams and how can you make them come true? But limit yourself to things that you can do. Don't say you'll be discovered, published, or have the world's best boyfriend. You can't control these things.
Think about the things that bother you about your life. Think about your daily schedule. How are you spending your time? I highly recommend reading books like the Artist's Way to get back in touch with your inner dreams. I also read a bunch of inspirational books during this time, my favorite of which was Wild by Cheryl Strayed. Find people who have actually done things with their life. Then imagine what you can do with yours. It's not impossible, I promise.


I had multiple iterations of what I wanted to do. I made all kinds of lists. I started small. What could I do that would help. Well, cooking was something, and so was learning to drive -- or being confident about it, was more accurate.
So that was the first iteration, I decided I was going to try driving to the library once a month.

But that wasn't enough.

I knew I wanted to get out of the house. The easiest way to do that was to get a job. But I wasn't confident that I could do that.

So instead, I thought about the other thing I wanted to do. Work in mental health. Just volunteer, help somehow.

I mentioned it to my case worker, and my doctor and boom, there was a job opening. Was I interested? I was. I had been out of the hospital for six months. I could handle it, couldn't I? So I applied. And I got the job. (Ok, it was more complicated than that, but its the jist)

Having a job helped a lot. I started out with just 16 hours. But it got me out of the house. And because I wanted the job so badly, and it required that I drive, I started to learn to drive.

But having that job gave me something I hadn't had in a while -- a way to get out of the house, money to spend, and a purpose. Having a purpose was really helpful.

It pulled me up a little.

I also was around people again. There is a reason that isolation is the drug of choice for depressed people, and there's a reason we shouldn't partake in it.

But suddenly, I began to notice the good again. I was doing something that mattered, and if I did this, I couldn't suck that much, could I?

I also felt like I wasn't alone. Here were people like me and worse. I wasn't just a freak of nature. This was a thing. And I wasn't any worse for having these struggles.

I suddenly had community, between that and DBSA, which I had started about 2 months earlier. I started laughing again. It was a hollow laugh, but a laugh nonetheless.

I wasn't ok, but it was something. It was a start.